Scientists tell us their favourite jokes

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?”
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Yes.”
“Well… THAT’S where we are.”

 

 

An electron and a positron go into a bar.
Positron: “You’re round.”
Electron: “Are you sure?”
Positron: “I’m positive.”

 

 

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, “We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere… ”

This is really the joke form of “all models are wrong, some models are useful” and also sums up the sort of physics confidence that they can solve problems (ie, by making the model solvable).

 

 

What is a physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips.

 

 

Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.

 

 

A friend who’s in liquor production,
Has a still of astounding construction,
The alcohol boils,
Through old magnet coils,
He says that it’s proof by induction.

I knew this limerick when I was at school. I’ve always loved comic poetry and I like the pun in it. And it is pretty geeky …

 

 

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

 

 

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

 

 

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: “Is that stool taken?”

 

 

They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

 

 

What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.

 

 

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang on…

 

 

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you’re – on average – very comfortable.

 

 

At a party for functions, ex is at the bar looking despondent. The barman says: “Why don’t you go and integrate?” To which ex replies: “It would not make any difference.”

 

 

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

 

 

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. “Go forth and multiply!” he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn’t recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal’s offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. “What on earth are you doing?” he cried. “You’re destroying the trees!” “Well Noah,” the snakes replied, “we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we’re adders… so we have to use logs.”

 

 

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

 

 

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. “NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!” he says. “NaCl over NaOH?” shouts his officer. “What do you mean?” “The base is under a salt!” came the reply.

 

 

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

 

 

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?” Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”

 

 

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
diphenyl-trichloroethane.

 

 

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”

 

 

Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

 

 

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”

 

 

An interviewer approaches a variety of scientists, and asks them: “Is it true that all odd numbers are prime?” The mathematician rejects the conjecture. “One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, but nine is not. The conjecture is false.” The physicist is less certain. “One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, but nine is not. Then again 11 is and so is 13. Up to the limits of measurement error, the conjecture appears to be true.” The psychologist says: “One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is not. Eleven is and so is 13. The result is statistically significant.” The artist says: “One is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, nine is prime. It’s true, all odd numbers are prime!”

 

 

What do scientists say when they go to the bar? Climate change scientists say: “Where’s the ice?” Seismologists might ask for their drinks to be “shaken and not stirred”. Microbiologists request just a small one. Neuroscientists ask for their drinks “to be spiked”. Scientists studying the defective gubernaculum say: “Put mine in a highball”, and finally, social scientists say: “I’d like something soft.” When paying at the bar, geneticists say: “I think I have some change in my jeans.” And at the end of the evening a shy benzene biochemist might say to his companion: “Please give me a ring.”

 

preluat de pe https://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/dec/29/scientists-favourite-jokes

 

 

Lectia de Limba Franceza

O profesoara de franceza explica elevilor sai ca, in limba franceza,

spre deosebire de cea engleza, substantivele sunt clasificate fie ca

substantive masculine fie ca substantive feminine.

Casa este feminin – “la maison”.

Creion este masculin – “le crayon”.

 

Povestirea noastra incepe in momentul in care un student a intrebat:

Ce gen este “calculator” ?

 

In loc sa le dea un raspuns, profesoara a impartit clasa in doua grupe

– barbati si femei – si le-a cerut sa decida singuri daca “calculator”

ar trebui sa fie un substantiv masculin sau feminin. Fiecarui grup i

s-a cerut sa dea patru motive pentru a sustine alegerea lor.

Grupul barbatilor a hotarat ca “calculator” sigur ar trebui sa fie de

gen feminin (la computer) deoarece:

1.nimeni altcineva in afara creatorului lor nu le intelege logica

2.limbajul comun pe care-l folosesc sa comunice cu alte calculatoare

este de neinteles de catre oricine altcineva

3.chiar si cele mai mici greseli sunt pastrate in memorie pe termen

lung pentru posibile aduceri aminte

4.cum iti iei unul, te trezesti cheltuind jumatate din salariu pentru accesorii

 

 

Grupul femeilor, totusi, au ajuns la concluzia ca substantivul

“calculator” ar trebui sa fie masculin (le computer) deoarece:

1.ca sa poti face ceva cu el trebuie sa-l “pornesti”

2.au o multime de informatii dar nu pot gandi singuri

3.presupunem ca el ar trebui sa te ajute sa rezolvi probleme dar, in

marea majoritate a cazurilor, el este problema

4.cum iti iei unul, realizezi ca daca ai mai fi asteptat putin, ai fi

putut lua unul mai bun.

 

logodnica vs nevasta

CLIENTUL:

 

Acum un an am schimbat versiunea Logodnica 7.0 cu Nevasta 1.0 si am observat ca programul a lansat o optiune subita Bebelus1.0, care ocupa  mult spatiu pe hard. In instructiuni nu era nimic mentionat.

Pe de alta parte, Nevasta 1.0 se autoinstaleaza in toate celelalte programe si se lanseaza automat cand deschid alta aplicatie, impiedicandu-i executia.

Aplicatii ca: Bere-intre-prieteni 10.3, Duminica-la-fotbal 5.0 nu mai functioneaza. Uneori apare un virus: Soacra 1.0, care blocheza  sistemul sau face ca Nevasta 1.0 sa se comporte total haotic.

Nu reusesc sa dezinstalez acest program si devine insuportabil mai  ales cand incerc sa lansez aplicatia Duminica-de-dragoste 3.0. Se pare ca  si  alte fisiere sunt virusate.

De ex. : C:\Sex_sambata_dimineata.exe nu  mai functioneaza deloc. Am vrut sa revin la programul anterior Logodnica 7.0 dar procesul de dezinstalare al programului actual, Nevasta 1.0, mi se pare complicat, iar riscurile pt. sistem sunt mari mai ales pt.  Bebelus 1.0 care chiar imi place.

Ma puteti ajuta ?

Un utilizator disperat.

RASPUNS:

Draga client,

Nemultumirea Dvs. este frecventa printre utilizatori dar ea se   datoreaza  unei greseli primare de conceptie. Multi utilizatori trec de la orice  versiune Logodnica X.0 la Nevasta 1.0 cu speranta falsa ca Nevasta   1.0 nu   e decat un program de divertisment si utilitati. Dar e vorba de mult  mai mult: Nevasta 1.0 e un Operating System complet creat ca sa   controleze   toate aplicatiile Dvs.

E aproape imposibil sa dezinstalati Nevasta 1.0 si sa reveniti la  Logodnica    X.0 intrucat exista sisteme virusate care fac ca si acesta sa se comporte   precum Nevasta 1.0 deci nu aveti nimic de castigat.

Aceeasi problema si cu Soacra X.0. Acesta e un program mai vechi din   care   deriva Nevasta 1.0 si comporta multe probleme de compatibilitate. Cu    putin    noroc, sfarseste prin a fi victima unui virus si dispare in cativa   ani.

Unii utilizatori au incercat sa formateze tot modulul si sa instaleze    programul Iubita+Nevasta 2.0 dar asta le-a creat si mai mari probleme   (a   se   citi notita de prevenire “Pensie alimentara” si “Custodia copiilor”).

Daca instalati Iubita 8.0 nu incercati sa treceti la Nevasta 2.0 pt ca  problemele vor fi chiar mai mari decat cele cu Nevasta 1.0. Chiar daca    exista si versiuni Nevasta 3.0 si Nevasta 4.0, acestea sunt rezervate   specialistilor si avand un pret ridicat nu le recomandam. Daca   sistemul  cade, va recomandam Celibat 1.0 dar ideal e sa pastrati Nevasta 1.0   si sa    invatati programul cat mai bine posibil intrucat e foarte sensibil la    anumite comenzi si reactioneaza rau la erori de instalare. Asadar, orice eroare aparuta va fi  considerata ca provenind din partea Dvs. Si   trebuie  sa vi-o asumati.

Va sfatuim sa activati aplicatiile C:\Scuze.exe.

Evitati utilizarea tastelor ESC si SUPPR care necesita ulterior  patch-ul  C:\Scuze.exe\flori.

Pentru o mai buna utizare, va sfatuim sa cumparati si service-pack-ul  Bijuterii 3.0, Vacante 5.1.

Optiunile Da_draga_mea 2.7 si Ai_dreptate_iubire 4.5 sunt indispensabile.

Nu instalati sub nici o forma Secretara_blonda_in_fusta_mini XP, O_prietena 3.1.

Aceste programe sunt incompatibile cu Nevasta 1.0 si pot distruge sistemul.

Functia C:\Sex_sambata_dimineata.exe se va activa odata cu add-on-ul  C:\Colier_cu_diamante.exe.

Cum te-ai nascut fiule …

Tata zice:
-Baah fiule, cred ca intr-o zi tot ai sa afli!
Pai, eu si cu maica-ta intr-o zi am intrat intr-o camera de chat a Yahoo-ului.
Am aranjat apoi o intilnire via e-mail cu maica-ta si ne-am intilnit intr-un internet cafe virtual.
Ne-am strecurat intr-o camera privata, unde maica-ta a fost de acord cu un download din hard-ul meu.
Imediat ce eram gata de upload, am descoperit ca nici unul dintre noi nu folosise firewall-ul si fiindca deja era prea tirziu sa dam delete, noua luni mai tirziu a aparut un mic popup binecuvintat care a tipat din toti rarunchii:
– You’ve Got Male

Gramatica si Informatica!

O profesoara de franceza le explica elevilor sai ca in limba franceza,
spre deosebire de cea engleza, substantivele sunt clasificate dupa gen,
in masculine si feminine. Casa este feminin – “la maison”.
Creion este masculin – “le crayon”.
Povestirea noastra incepe in momentul in care un student a intrebat:
– Ce gen este “computer” ?
In loc sa le dea un raspuns, profesoara a impartit clasa in doua grupe
– fete / baieti – si le-a cerut sa decida singuri daca substantivul “computer”
ar trebui sa fie de genul masculin sau feminin. Fiecarui grup i s-a cerut
sa aduca patru argumente pentru a-si sustine alegerea.

Baietii au hotarat: “calculatoarele” sigur ar trebui sa fie de gen feminin
(la computer). Motivele sunt:
1. nimeni altcineva in afara creatorului lor nu le intelege logica;
2. limbajul comun pe care-l folosesc in comunicarea cu alte
calculatoare este de neinteles de catre oricine altcineva;
3. chiar si cele mai mici greseli sunt pastrate in memorie
pe termen lung pentru posibile aduceri aminte;
4. cum iti iei unul, te trezesti cheltuind jumatate din salariu
pentru accesorii.

Grupul fetelor, totusi, a ajuns la concluzia ca substantivul “calculator”
ar trebui sa fie masculin (le computer) deoarece:
1. ca sa poti face ceva cu el trebuie sa-l “pornesti”;
2. are o multime de informatii dar nu poate gandi singur;
3. se presupune ca ar trebui sa te ajute sa rezolvi probleme dar,
in marea majoritate a cazurilor, EL este problema;
4. cum iti iei unul, realizezi ca daca ai mai fi asteptat putin,
ai fi putut avea altul mai bun.

cum am aparut pe lume

Tata, cum am am aparut eu pe lume?

Tata zice: -Baah fiule, cred ca intr-o zi tot ai sa afli!

Pai, eu si cu maica-ta intr-o zi am intrat intr-o camera de chat a Yahoo-ului.

Am aranjat apoi o intilnire via e-mail cu maica-ta si ne-am intilnit intr-un internet cafe virtual.

Ne-am strecurat intr-o camera privata, unde maica-ta a fost de acord cu un download din hard-ul meu.

Imediat ce eram gata de upload, am descoperit ca nici unul dintre noi nu folosise firewall-ul si fiindca deja era prea tirziu sa dam delete, noua luni mai tirziu a aparut un mic popup binecuvintat care a tipat din toti rarunchii:

“You’ve got mail !!!!”