De pe scara unui vapor abia acostat în port, coboara în fuga un marinar de 2m si 110 kg. Ia un taxi si intra in primul bordel. Ajuns in camera cu o profesionista a amorului tarifat, se descheie la pantaloni, isi ruleaza prezervativul pe sexul erect, dupa care isi introduce doua tampoane de vata in nas.
– Bine-bine, prezervativul il inteleg, dar ce rost au tampoanele astea de vata in nas?
– Stiti, nu suport mirosul de cauciuc ars…
Ion sta pe patul de moarte. Maria, sotia lui, se vaita langa el:
– Ce se va intampla cu mine, Ioaneeee? Ce se va intampla cu mine?
– Asa ceva n-am mai vazut! Eu mor, iar tu, imi spui ghicitori!
Un tip se apropie, pe strada, de o tipa, si ii propune direct sa faca dragoste cu el. Tipa reactioneaza
imediat:
– Cat tupeu, domnule, cat tupeu!
– Ei, daca aveti ceva impotriva …
– N-am nimic impotriva, dar cat tupeu, dom’le, cat tupeu !
Nevasta unui detinut în audienta la directorul
penitenciarului:
– Domnule director, am venit aici sa va rog sa-i dati barbatului meu o munca mai usoara.
– Dar, doamna, barbatul dv. lipeste etichete pe sticle, deci nu vad în asta un lucru greu.
– Nenorocitul, mie mi-a zis ca sapa un tunel
Meci mare. Finala cupei in Anglia. Stadionul plin ca la orice meci, 60k de spectatori. john e prezent.
Incepe meciul, pe scaunul din dreapta inca nu se asezasa nimeni .La pauza situatia neschimbata, john e nedumerit : cum tot sezonul scaunul a fost ocupat si la cel mai important meci e liber .. Atunci il intreaba pe celalalt vecin al scaunului gol :
-Auzi, ce e cu locul asta liber
-E al sotiei mele
-Si de ce nu a venit e cel mai important meci?
-A murit
-Imi pare rau … totusi puteai sa iti aduci un prieten -Da …
-De ce nu ai adus pe nimeni
-Am incercat, l-am chemat pe fratele meu, pe cumnatul meu, pe fiul meu pe fiecare dintre prieteni, vecini, m-au refuzat -Nu se poate, de ce?
-Sunt la inmormantare!
Iepurasul a fumat niste iarba si acum zace lat pe marginea lacului. Apare un castor:
– Ce faci iepurasule?
-Am fumat niste iarba si ma simt in al unspelea cer!
Ia si tu de-aici!
Ia castorul si trage un fum. Iepurasului ii vine o
idee:
– Stii ce-ar fi si mai grozav, castorule? Sa tragi un fum, sa-ti tii rasuflarea, sa te scufunzi, sa inoti pana pe partea cealalta a lacului, si acolo sa expiri!
Castorul se executa. Pe partea cealalata a lacului, cade lat de placere. Apare un hipopotam:
– Ce faci, castorule?
– E un iepuras pe partea cealalta a lacului care are o marfa grozava. Tine-ti rasuflarea, inoata pe sub apa, si cand iesi pe partea cealalta, dai de el.
Hipopotamul se executa.Cand iese pe partea cealalta, iepurasul casca niste ochi mari la el, si-i striga
innebunit:
– Expira , castoruleeee!
Pina si cu Yoyo se pot face lucruri uimitoare
run services in safe mode
Open registers (regedit)
the special keys are HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\SafeBoot\Minimal for Safe mode and
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\SafeBoot\Network for Safe mode with networking.
All you have to do is to create a subkey named as the service you want to start and to change default value to “Service” (without quotes).
example:
REG ADD “HKLM\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Control\SafeBoot\Network\Apache” /VE /T REG_SZ /F /D “Service”
Windows Program Automatic Startup Locations
Many programs that you install are automatically run when you start your computer and load Windows. For the majority of cases, this type of behavior is fine. Unfortunately, there are programs that are not legitimate, such as spyware, hijackers, trojans, worms, viruses, that load is this manner as well. It is therefore important that you check regularly your startup registry keys regularly. Windows does offer a program that will list programs that are automatically started from SOME of these locations. This program, Msconfig.exe, unfortunately, though, only lists programs from a limited amount of startup keys.
Below are the various list of registry keys that can start a program when Windows boots. I have tried to keep the keys in the exact order that they load. Keep in mind, that some of the keys are set to load at the same time, so it is possible that the order will change on each boot up. These keys generally apply to Windows 95, 98, ME, NT, XP, and 2000, and I will note when it is otherwise.
Upon turning on the computer the keys start in this order as Windows loads:
RunServicesOnce – This key is designed to start services when a computer boots up. These entries can also continue running even after you log on, but must be completed before the HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\…\RunOnce registry can start loading its programs.
Registry Keys: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunServicesOnce
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunServicesOnce
RunServices – This key is designed to start services as well. These entries can also continue running even after you log on, but must be completed before the HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\…\RunOnce registry can start loading its programs.Registry Keys: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunServices
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunServices
Logon Prompt is placed on Screen. After a user logs in the rest of the keys continue.
RunOnce Local Machine Key – These keys are designed to be used primarily by Setup programs. Entries in these keys are started once and then are deleted from the key. If there a exclamation point preceding the value of the key, the entry will not be deleted until after the program completes, otherwise it will be deleted before the program runs. This is important, because if the exclamation point is not used, and the program referenced in this key fails to complete, it will not run again as it will have already been deleted. All entries in this key are started synchronously in an undefined order. Due to this, all programs in this key must be finished before any entries in HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\…\Run, HKEY_CURRENT_USER\…\Run, HKEY_CURRENT_USER\…\RunOnce, and Startup Folders can be loaded. The RunOnce keys are ignored under Windows 2000 and Windows XP in Safe Mode. The RunOnce keys are not supported by Windows NT 3.51.Registry Keys: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunOnce
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunOnceEx
Run – These are the most common startup locations for programs to install auto start from. By default these keys are not executed in Safe mode. If you prefix the value of these keys with an asterisk, *, is will run in Safe Mode.Registry Keys: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run registry key
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run registry key
All Users Startup Folder – For Windows XP, 2000, and NT, this folder is used for programs that should be auto started for all users who will login to this computer. It is generally found at:Windows XP C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Start Menu\Programs\Startup
Windows NT C:\wont\Profiles\All Users\Start Menu\Programs\Startup
Windows 2000 C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Start Menu\Programs\Startup
User Profile Startup Folder – This folder will be executed for the particular user who logs in. This folder is usually found in:Win 9X, ME c:\windows\start menu\programs\startup
Windows XP C:\Documents and Settings\LoginName\Start Menu\Programs\Startup
RunOnce Current User Key – These keys are designed to be used primarily by Setup programs. Entries in these keys are started once and then are deleted from the key. If there a exclamation point preceding the value of the key, the entry will not be deleted until after the program completes, otherwise it will be deleted before the program runs. This is important, because if the exclamation point is not use, and the program referenced in this key fails to complete, it will not run again as it will have already been deleted. The RunOnce keys are ignored under Windows 2000 and Windows XP in Safe Mode. The RunOnce keys are not supported by Windows NT 3.51.Registry Key: HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\RunOnce
Explorer Run – These keys is generally used to load programs as part of a policy set in place on the computer or user.Registry Keys: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explorer\Run
HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Policies\Explorer\Run
UserInit Key – This key specifies what program should be launched right after a user logs into Windows. The default program for this key is C:\windows\system32\userinit.exe. Userinit.exe is a program that restores your profile, fonts, colors, etc for your username. It is possible to add further programs that will launch from this key by separating the programs with a comma. For example:
HKLM\Software\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon\Userinit =C:\windows\system32\userinit.exe,c:\windows\badprogram.exe.
This will make both programs launch when you log in and is a common place for trojans, hijackers, and spyware to launch from.Registry Key: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon\Userinit
Load Key – This key is not commonly used anymore, but can be used to auto start programs.Registry Key: HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Windows\load
Notify – This key is used to add a program that will run when a particular event occurs. Events include logon, logoff, startup, shutdown, startscreensaver, and stopscreensaver. When Winlogon.exe generates an event such as the ones listed, Windows will look in the Notify registry key for a DLL that will handle this event. Malware has been known to use this method to load itself when a user logs on to their computer. Loading in such a way allows the malware program to load in such a way that it is not easy to stop.Registry Key: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Winlogon\Notify
AppInit_DLLs – This value corresponds to files being loaded through the AppInit_DLLs Registry value.
The AppInit_DLLs registry value contains a list of dlls that will be loaded when user32.dll is loaded. As most Windows executables use the user32.dll, that means that any DLL that is listed in the AppInit_DLLs registry key will be loaded also. This makes it very difficult to remove the DLL as it will be loaded within multiple processes, some of which can not be stopped without causing system instability. The user32.dll file is also used by processes that are automatically started by the system when you log on. This means that the files loaded in the AppInit_DLLs value will be loaded very early in the Windows startup routine allowing the DLL to hide itself or protect itself before we have access to the system.Registry Key: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\Windows NT\CurrentVersion\Windows
ShellServiceObjectDelayLoad – This Registry contains values in a similar way as the Run key does. The difference is that instead of pointing to the file itself, it points to the CLSID’s InProcServer, which contains the information about the particular DLL file that is being used.
The files under this key are loaded automatically by Explorer.exe when your computer starts. Because Explorer.exe is the shell for your computer, it will always start, thus always loading the files under this key. These files are therefore loaded early in the startup process before any human intervention occurs.Registry Key: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\ShellServiceObjectDelayLoad
SharedTaskScheduler – This section corresponds to files being loaded through the SharedTaskScheduler registry value for XP, NT, 2000 machines..
The entries in this registry run automatically when you start windows. Registry Key: HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Explorer\SharedTaskScheduler
The following are files that programs can autostart from on bootup:
1. c:\autoexec.bat
2. c:\config.sys
3 . windir\wininit.ini – Usually used by setup programs to have a file run once and then get deleted.
4. windir\winstart.bat
5. windir\win.ini – [windows] “load”
6. windir\win.ini – [windows] “run”
7. windir\system.ini – [boot] “shell”
8 . windir\system.ini – [boot] “scrnsave.exe”
9. windir\dosstart.bat – Used in Win95 or 98 when you select the “Restart in MS-DOS mode” in the shutdown menu.
10. windir\system\autoexec.nt
11. windir\system\config.nt
Though it is good to know these details, if you just need a program to quickly scan these keys and produce a list for you, you can use Sysinternals Autoruns program. While you are at that site, you should browse some of the other excellent utilities.
Autorun a program in safe mode
Place a value in the following key: HKLM\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion\Run Once. The value name must be preceeded by an * to run in safe mode. For example a value name of *safeprog with data of C:\Runthis.exe.